that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I wear drunk well.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
