I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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