We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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