Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She announced her abortion via fbk
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
