But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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