broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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