I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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