sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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