If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
