She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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