I'd wear matching sweaters with you
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
