Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
