I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
