The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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