theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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