The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
