My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
