How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
