This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
