i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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