I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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