just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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