i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Randomize
