Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
FUCK WHALES
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
