you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
