Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
