Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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