Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
