It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
