dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
