the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My dick has a subreddit
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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