Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
