I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
