doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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