hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
my shit smells like andre
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
