She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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