went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
