There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
