You made me cry and you don't even care
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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