textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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