I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
