I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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