Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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