I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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