This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
