Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
