Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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