I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
