Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
