So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
