when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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