oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize