Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
