The maid of honor just puked.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
