She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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