my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
