I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she smelled like a LAN party
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
