I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
