guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
