he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
