Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
