I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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