Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
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